Journal Entries

21st May 07........
I have a dream. I dream to be the woman God created me to be. Pure, free, beautiful, honest, courageous, strong, gentle, vulnerable, real, broken.

August ’06…
I’ve been in tears for days. I don’t know what’s going on...
I am hiding me, stifling me, I am doing it for myself so I won’t be vulnerable, so no-one can hurt me, they will punch me, kick me down, they will wreck what’s beautiful if they see me, if they see what’s ugly of me they will reject me. I want to conform, but don’t. Long to be beautiful, a free spirit with no shoes and pretty dresses. Able to help others heal, embrace my brokenness, make it ok to be broken, a screw up with a head full of mess of chaos. Want to know Jesus, know my own heart and Jesus’ heart. To be vulnerable to the world, soft but with steel innards made of Jesus Christ and his grace. Unswaying, broken more and more, exposed and revealed to myself and to everyone. To scream that it is ok to be sick and in need of a doctor. Healed and conscious of my healing. Able to guide others to God to be rescued, fixed, smashed and put back together.

March ’07…
I woke up feeling like rubbish. As soon as I was looked in the eye I broke and cried. I sobbed for hours, cried myself to sleep, woke up and cried more. I truly had no idea why I was crying or what was happening. Later I stumbled on a chance which, if I would be brave enough to take hold of it, could allow me to learn why my tears exist and examine my very soul.

So I dived in and began a journey of following my tears upstream into the headwaters of me. I began to discover…

There is a little girl in a white dress with barefeet trapped inside me. She has been shut down, stifled, buried, hidden, lost for years. Layers of sin, shame, guilt, fear, rejection and lies have bound her and shut her away from the world. She has forgotten how to speak. She cannot break through the walls that have been put up around her and have grown weathered and tough. She longs to be free, to be out in the open, to be able to run and dance. To be free to express who she is, her beauty, who she was originally created to be. To be released from the things that have hidden her – things meant to protect but in reality have kept her from living life. She cannot speak, so she cries. She cries because she is desperate for me to hear. Some days she screams, she is worn out from living in this suffocated heart. I have heard her cry many times. I have heard her and felt her pain but didn’t understand what she meant. If I ever saw a glimpse of her I didn’t want her to be shown because it would be too difficult and too risky. I didn’t want to hear her crying because it would be painful and hard to understand. She has been crying for so long to remind me that she is still in me; she hasn’t disappeared despite the layers hiding her. She is real, she is beautiful, and if she were set free she would blossom, to live a life of passion and adventure walking hand in hand with Jesus.
Today I stumbled across a place where the little girl became distraught and I could not suppress her. I was faced with a challenge. A challenge to be brave enough to dig up and expose the things which have trapped her. I rose to the challenge and I dared to unlock the first door on the inside of the broken, tormented heart which surrounds the little girl. I reached in and unlocked the door on the innermost wall enclosing her.
More layers of walls and doors remain to be faced, unlocked, smashed down and melted, but this first one is open and the girl inside is free to explore. Restoration is on its way. She is a step closer to pure, holy, beautiful freedom today.

Some words from God…

“The spirit of the sovereign Lord is upon me, because the Lord has appointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to announce that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord’s favour has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel, he will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory…Instead of shame and dishonour, you will inherit a double portion of prosperity and everlasting joy…I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bride with her jewels.” Isaiah 61:1-3,7,10

“The winter is past, and the rain is over and gone. The flowers are springing up, and the time of singing birds has come, even the cooing of turtledoves. The fig trees are budding, and the grapevines are in blossom. How delicious they smell! Yes, spring is here! Arise, my beloved, my fair one, and come away.” Song of songs 2:11-13

“And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.” Ephesians 2:8+9

~Then the time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom~


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The day we left New Zealand.

Time to Fly!!! 15.02.07

It has come to pass. Over two and a half years have passed since it's conception, but this day, this long awaited day has finally come to pass. I don't believe that any of us have truly, truly come to grasp the significance of this day.

Not only is this day the culmination of daring to dream, prayer, planning, intense work, the stirring of the Holy Spirit and the hand of God in motion. This is the beginnings of a move of God, such as we cannot conceive, this day that lies before us has been flowing from the mouths of the prophets for decades, God is coming! God is coming! God is coming!

So, so often the journey to the fruition of a dream is just as important as the fruition of the dream itself.

The journey to where I now stand would have been impossible without an impossible dream, and this dream would not be coming to pass if it were not for the God of the impossible.

Along this road of dreams I have been truly transformed, I have discovered God more than I've ever known before, radically, dramatically, mightily encountered God! God himself the creator of the heavens and the earth and all that is in them. I have heard his voice and in faith have obeyed regardless of the consequence. By faith I walked as Daniel into the lions den, and by God's faithfulness I rode those lions right out of the lions den.

I give all glory and honour to my Holy, Holy, Holy God! With all that I am I worship my God my creator, for his breathtaking faithfulness. For his Holiness, his love, his power and again his faithfulness, for his grace and mercy and exceeding goodness and greatness. All glory and honour to my King!!!

Again my God has whispered into my soul, he said to me "This day, stake your claim on the future!!!" What will I ask for? I will ask for this whole world, this whole world for Jesus. I will proclaim the greatness of my God in all the earth!!!

Benji






Walk Like Enoch Walked


23.03.07

In South Korea there has been a mighty revival, when missionaries first came to this land, they were martyred. But by their blood the seed of faith was sown into this land. This nation is now 40% christian.I have been to the biggest church in the world. I have been to the Yoido Full Gospel Prayer Mountain, where at least 3,000 people come to pray a day. What is so fantastic about that?

The fantastic thing is that I have seen a visionary, actually more than a visionary a revolutionary in action. Doctor Pastor David Yonggi Cho is but one man, but he has been able to stir the hearts of hundreds of thousands, the hearts of millions!!! One man. Just one man, but he has shaped world history. He has lived the impossible, he has known God and he has made God known. He has sought the heart of God passionately, he is like Enoch, who walked with God. He spends at least three hours in prayer a day. But he is not alone, his people have layed hands on the batten also, together as a people they pursue God. The active Body of Christ in South Korea is 40% of the total population and still they cry out to God for revival. To be filled more and more with the Holy Spirit.

Never underestimate the power of one!!! So often the multitudes are just waiting for one, for one to rise up, to model a new way, to lead them. In our nation, who will rise up?
Will we stumble, will we falter? I stand challenged in the face of such an example, will I dare to model a new way? Would you dare to model a new way? Will we dare to stir the multitudes? Call them to a life they have never known? Will we dare to dream that our people, the people of dry bones can be resurrected, covered with flesh and sinew and filled with the breath of life? If we will dare to dream this, that our people can be brought to life in Christ, resurrected by the Gospel of Jesus Christ, if we will dare to dream this, our God can make it so.

With all that I am I will dream, I will dream that my people, the dry bones can become a vast army that takes the Gospel of Jesus Christ to all nations!!!

I will model a hunger for God that will shake a nation. I will pursue the heart of God relentlessly, in my life time I will know God and make him known!!! My consequence will be eternal. I will rise up, even now I cry out to this nation, rise up!!! I challenge you!!! I challenge this nation to seek the heart of God as we have never known before, to cry out to God , that he would rent the heavens and come down!!!

To pray, to cry out, to howl and wail, to scream, weep, fast and seek the heart of God until he comes and transforms us so mightily, that we might be used to transform our nation.

2 Chronicles 7:14

"if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and will heal their land."

Come with me on this journey toward an impossible dream, lay hold of the batten with me, dream with me, walk with me and work with me. Join me as I pray, cry, howl and wail. Join me as I scream and weep and fast and seek the heart of God until he comes!!! Join me as I walk by faith, hearing the voice of God and obeying, regardless of consequence.

We can do this, just as South Korea has been transformed. This is a long journey, I give my life to this dream. Come with me!!! I challenge you to join me, sacrifice your whole life to this dream, the dream of our nation, our nation of dry bones becoming a vast army, taking the Gospel of Jesus Christ to all nations. Like Enoch let's walk with God. I cry out, "Come with me!!!"

Benji

Yoido Full Gospel, the biggest church in the world, 833,000 members, growing at a rate of around 100 a day!!!

The Mission Aroha team at Yoido Full Gospel. Would you like to be a member of this chruch? Well it'll cost you, not money but a committment to Jesus, that's right there is a cost for membership, you don't just sign something, you have to make a committment to pray for at least an hour a day and read five chapters from the Bible a day. Oh and when it comes to tithing they give 10% of their gross income, pretty much every single one of them. Huge cost of membership and the outcome? Amazing results, a nation transformed, impossible dreams are dreamed and those impossible dreams come to pass.

Prayer Mountain.

Prayer Mountain, it's not even a weekend or a busy day, these people are addicted to prayer.

24.02.07

Dear diary,

I really, really, really love Becky Abbott.

Benji